How do you do the Holidays?

What makes the holiday season so special for you?  Is it the crazy holiday traffic that consumes most major cities where shopping can be done?  The self entitled attitudes of today's youth presenting their parents with lists ranging from new cell phones, gaming systems, new cars, and trips to other parts of the country?  Or the pouty faces they give when they are told something may be too expensive?  Is it the split families trying to make it work and see everyone?  Spacing their time just so… "only 13 minutes left at grandma's house before we must go to the ex-step-boyfriend's-brother's-uncle's house for a 3rd dinner."

I'll be honest with you, the holidays have been difficult for me since my family was split when I was 20.  Up until that point, my family had been unscathed by divorce.  My parents were some of the only that were still together and had stayed together through my childhood.  And truth be told… I was the only reason.  To create a home and solid family life for me, my parents sacrificed their true happiness to raise me.  I'll always be grateful.  For I have some perfect memories.  It was always just the three of us and our dog, Duke.  

As an adult, now that I've been through my own divorce… it's been difficult to get into a real great holiday routine, just when I thought I had a good one… it got flipped upside down too.  It's been difficult with the people that have been in and out of my life to solidify traditions with my family.  

My life has completely changed, for the better this year.  2017, my son was born.  He is the focus now. Nothing else really seems to matter much.  And I hope this year's holiday season brings more joy than years past, and far less anxiety than recent.  

With all of that being said, I find myself looking back to the years I adore and the memories I cherish.  Family has always been first priority.  But since my parent's divorce, I can't help but admitting that I've felt out of place and lost in the world at times.  Wondering what my true purpose is or what I am supposed to be doing with this life.  Up until just recently I didn't realize that my reason for living was to be mama to this sweet little boy of mine.  So you can imagine the confusion I sometimes went through.  

When I was little, we lived close to 2 sets of my grandparents.  And because of that, we didn't get together often for the holidays because we saw them all of the time.  My grandma and grandpa Hall had so many kids, it was almost impossible to get the entire family together simply because there wasn't room.  Yes, I can remember some Christmas gathering with the Halls where we'd draw names and do a gift for 1 family member.  Where the littles would gather in an upstairs bedroom and jump on the bed, while the older kids played games in another bedroom, and the adults did Lord knows what downstairs.    There were times we'd go to my grandma Bernice's house and have a holiday meal.  But my most favorite memories are the ones that we'd head out of town for.  Maybe that's just because I've always liked to be on the go?  My grandparents were still married and living in Bend when I was very small, but the memories of that time are pretty minimal… I was very young.  Really it's just pictures that bring back the memory, I don't remember much else.  When they divorced, my grandpa stayed in Bend and my grandma moved to Portland.  I'm not entirely sure if we'd split the time each year, and go both places.  But I remember leaving our home in Harrisburg and traveling over the mountain or up I5 into Portland. At my grandpa's house, we'd stay the night… which was always fun to have a sleepover!  I had my own room with two twin beds… my biggest decision being which one I was going to sleep in.  I'd try and be brave and stay up in the loft, but never could make it.  We'd go play in the snow, we'd exchange presents and have yummy food.  It was grandpa's house, it smelled different than any other place I'd ever been to (it still does) and I love it.  I remember gifts at grandpas almost always being snow boots.  For it was at his house that I needed them the most.  Heck it never really snows in the valley.  Nothing in particular really stands out as far as activities that we'd do.  Really all I remember is just being with Grandpa.  Spending the time with family.  And that is exactly what I'm glad I remember from those times.  Regardless of things or meals or whatever… it was just being at Grandpa's that I really remember enjoying the most.

It's similar with my grandma's house in Portland, except this is where those traditions start coming to mind.  I really don't know if I should call them traditions as they weren't always the same… and I can't claim they were every year either.  Everybody knows I'm not real good at being an Oregonian… despite having lived here my entire life.  It's only getting worse as I age also.  I might end up being one of those little old ladies who buys her own tanning bed and then lives in it.  But that's a topic for a different post.  I have to admit, despite hating Oregon's grey winters with it's never changing wet status… I love Portland in the Winter.  Something about the neighborhoods, and the streetlights glistening on the wet pavement.  The fun places to eat, the bustling streets, Rose City, Trailblazer games, OMSI, the bridges over the river leading to the famous view of the Portland sign with the cityscape in the background.  There's just something very nostalgic about it to me.  Grandma lived in a couple of different places in Portland but the one I remember the most is where she still currently resides, the condo on the river.  We always had something very fun planned with Granny Bonnie.  Always a yummy traditional meal.  But we'd also go look at Christmas lights, or watch the lighted boat parade on the river, even once going to her office building downtown Portland and watching from high above.  We went to the Singing Christmas Tree musical production numerous years, or the Zoo to see the lights.

When we got back to Harrisburg, Santa had always already been there.  Regardless of what day it was, it was clear that Santa used multiple days to do his work, and would hit the places where people traveled out of town first for convenience purposes.  I would leave snacks out for him when we were at home.  Knowing what I know now, I'll be sure to leave a nice holiday treat cocktail for him when Kannon is old enough to leave goodies.  Making sure my little man knows that Santa could probably use a nice hot toddy to stay warm in the sleigh. 

How do you decide what holiday traditions to instill into your child's life?  Do you pick your favorites from when you were little or do you steal from other people and try and create new ones?  Do you do an advent calendar?  Do you give presents to less fortunate than your family to help teach the little ones what giving is really about?  Do you set budgets?  Do your kids makes lists?  Do you drive them around to look at Christmas lights?  Do you have traditional meals or do you change it up and have different menus?  How many different places do you spend time during the holidays?  Do you read the same books or watch the same movies every year?  What makes your holiday season special?  

Almost past due…

I've struggled for a number of months to really find the right words to describe how I feel.  I'm happy, I feel blessed, and I've been scared every day for exactly 40 weeks.  I have been through extreme highs and some of the lowest lows of my life in a fairly short amount of time.  The words still don't seem to be coming to me with ease.  I'm exhausted, but hate lying around resting.  I'm scared, but can't wait for this phase to be done.  I'm upset that I don't have more pictures, but kind of feel like I don't necessarily want to remember what I look like.  I feel huge and whale-like and dislike how heavy I feel but am glad I fed my body to enable him to grow and enjoyed guilty pleasures in the food category.  I made new friends during this time, ones who've been incredibly supportive.  I've stayed in touch with old friends, the ones that mean the most, it seems as if most everyone had lost hope in the fact that I'd ever be where I am right now.   I left a job I love for a different opportunity and have started a new job which will keep me busy yet give me the schedule I will need as my son grows. 

Today my phone sent me an alert that today is my due date.  I've created and carried a tiny human for 40 weeks to the date.  My son is due to enter the world at any time.  This is the hardest thing I've ever done.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally tough.  My body was taken over by hormones.  I've been in an almost constant state of some sort of emotional distress.  My OCD went into overdrive at times… others it died all-together and I didn't give two hoots about things.  I've developed a new respect for mamas everywhere.  I've never changed my mind so many different times about the things that I thought I wanted.  Things that used to be very important to me, seem so minute.  Other things have popped up to the surface as #1's.  

This is my first and only.  My first experience on so many different levels and I'm left to wonder if all first time mamas have felt the same way?  I assume some of it was probably similar for others.  I mostly figure that I've overreacted and overanalyzed and overkilled a lot of things.  I didn't share with a lot of people on social media for a long time.  For some, this may be the first they've heard about it.  

I'm hoping my son Kannon is the muse and inspiration for numerous future posts on here as I learn all about being a mama.  I love the creative nature of writing and the outlet it gives me.  Lord help me in this new adventure.  

When it rains, it pours.

It seems to be that I don't have real great luck with water these days.

This last weekend was an adventure.  Heading out of Eastern Oregon to meet my family, making my way to Central Oregon where the weather is usually nice and warm this time of year to find wind blowing and rain sprinkling at the campground by Lake Ochoco.  The following morning making our way to Clear Lake which during the summer even on the hottest day, apparently still stays a chilly 41 degrees water temp.  BRRRR.  We made our way out onto the lake with clouds in the sky, and a fairly mild temperature.  This was my first time in a kayak.  Let me paint the scene... it's an inflatable, 2 person kayak.  I was going out in it by myself, so the 2nd person seat held my bag, a couple of extra life jackets, and my water bottle.  I slide the small boat out into the water most of the way, and then climb in myself.  Not wanting to dip my toes in the water because of that frigid temperature I mentioned.  I get myself situated and begin to scoot the boat further out into the water off of the shore.  I begin paddling with an oar.  Having never paddled myself anywhere... it took me a minute to get it figured out.  There was a bit of a headwind.  So I learned quickly that I must paddle much harder.  Coming around the bend, by the dock where the men are getting into their drift boat.  They advise me that if I prop up on my knees I will have better leverage and be able to move along through the water much quicker.  It's going to be a hard trek to get out there because of the wind.  "I can do this" I have to continually tell myself.  My arms are already tired.  I decide to get a head start from the boys, yet an 11 year old passes me in his hard plastic kayak ridiculously fast.  Making it look much easier than I have found it to be.  As I'm working my way further out into the lake, I realize that each time I bring one side of the oar out of the water, it runs down the shaft and drips into my lap.  My Nike Dri fit leggings are drenched... and are anything but "fitting dry".  I'm layered on the top with a layer of dri-fit, and a jacket over the top.  I have a scarf wrapped around my head because, well.... my hair was a mess.  Camping and short hair do not mix well.  Just saying.

The wind picks up a little bit and we've all kind of met out in the water, to share the horror stories we all have about how difficult it is to paddle against a strong wind.  The clouds then cover the only sliver of sunshine that was peaking through.  It starts to drizzle.  "Great, just great."  I think to myself.  The wind is blowing me back in the direction that I'd already worked so hard to paddle out of... I have to really dig in and drench myself with each stroke of my oar.  Then the drizzle unleashes it's fury into a full-fledged down-pour.  I'm soaked.  the bottom of the kayak has a nice layer of water, my Chaco sandals hold my ice-cold little nubs of toes, and I fear that I'll drop the oar any moment because of my numb and tingling hands.  It's June in Central Oregon for cryin' out loud.

Ten or fifteen minutes of torrential downpour, and the sun comes out again.  The wind is still blowing but not nearly as bad.  My top half has dried out a bit, but still each time I paddle anywhere I drench myself with the water from my oar.   I hang out upwind of the boys who have gotten their fishing poles out, and were attempting to catch "dinner".

After pulling the boats out of the water, loading everything back up and attempting to thaw out while we ate lunch, we are back on the road to our next camping location.  Sure enough, it's raining.  Most of the evening and through the night.  We were able to crouch beneath the canopy of the trees for a bit and have a fire to warm our bones, while we widdled kindling with knives.  We soak in the hot springs pool a couple of times, and make it through the night.

Point of my story... well I'm just really looking forward to some actual summer weather.  I'd love to do the kayaking thing when it's warm outside and the getting-wet-thing is welcomed as a method to cool off.  I can't even express how excited I am to camp in warm weather, not having to bury yourself under covers to stay warm early in the evening.  Being able to stay up late around a camp fire and roast a marshmallow or five.

Here's my "Share"

Take my advice.  Maybe just this once.  

Our society today relies heavily on the use of our cell phones.  I'm writing my blog post on my cell phone, so by no means am I preaching to get rid of them.  However, we text more than we call.  We never leave home without it.  And in some cases we don't even touch our family as often as we touch our cell phone.  The average child believes in their heart of hearts that they have a RIGHT to have a cell phone.  The average teenager looks at his/her cell phone over 200 times/ daily.  

Here is my stand on it.  Some will disagree and that's okay.  It's devastating to know that you are no more important to someone than the wonderful world of social media or text messaging your "friends".  When someone is immersed in scanning their feed, they don't see you, they definitely don't hear you.  And despite being in the same room, they aren't with you. 

I'm not against social media.  I partake when I'm bored at times.  I set aside 10 minutes a couple of times a day to look at a couple of apps that I enjoy.  But when I get home at night, unless my cell phone is ringing or I receive a text message from a member of my family, it's typically ignored.  I don't scan social media multiple times daily because none of my acquaintances have posted that many times in 1 day.  And if they have, I've likely "unfollowed" them.      

I use my cell phone constantly to get directions in the car.  I google things that I want answers to.  But I can honestly say, I don't use my phone as a distraction from the real people in my real life.  I focus on the people that surround me.  And if I don't do a good job of it, I'll try harder next time.  

I want to use my phone as a resource and a means of communication.  I am constantly reading and researching things on my cell phone.  It is NOT used as a distraction.  I want to spend my time with my family, without my face being lit up by the glow of a phone.  

Life is hard some days, so the need for a distraction is sometimes welcomed.  A place where you don't have to think, just flick your thumb upwards, I get that.  I have those days sometimes too.  

In the end though, at the end of each day, I want to remember people close to me.  Not something that somebody said that I "liked" on social media somewhere.  Can you truly make a memory with both hands glued to your cell phone?  Can you enjoy someones real company and be there for them to support them or listen to them if you're reading about what some friend or your co-worker's cousin's ex-BFF said on social media or are 17 acquaintances deep when you looked at who "she" was in a relationship with and saw that "they" were friends with that one "person" who was really attractive, and looked at their profile and saw that they had a bunch of big-boobed selfies posted... ?

Take my advice, maybe just this once.  Give the people around you the attention and respect a real human deserves, put your phone away.  Just try it.